A friendly family chat turned dark when my sister-in-law hit on a sore subject.
“What happened to your pop-up camper?” she asked. We fell silent.
“You dare to speak of that which is forbidden,” my daughter murmured. We collectively flinched and darted our eyes to see if my husband had heard her utter the unmentionable.
“We unloaded that thing on a couple of fishermen years ago,” I explained, careful not to call it by name.
“But you didn’t like it?” asked my sister-in-law. “I mean, we love to go camping! We’re thinking about buying a fifth wheel.”
“And a diesel dually to tow it,” added my brother.
“Yes, fine, that’s a great idea,” my daughter and I agreed, a little too eagerly. “Just as long as it’s something that you park and plug in.”
“But what was so bad about the pop-, uh, it?” inquired my sister-in-law. I looked at my daughter, her eyes wide with the horror of recollection.
“The last time we went camping in it, my mom took my brother and me on a long, long walk so Dad could set it up,” she said. “We heard his screams from a mile away.”
Reluctantly, I recalled preparations for camping in the p-word. It went something like this:
- Remember what supplies are already stowed in the pop-up.
- Pop the pop-up because you cannot remember what is stowed in the pop-up.
- Make list of needed supplies.
- Buy supplies and groceries for three-day trip to the wilderness.
- Answer the kids for the 100th time that yes, you will bring the TV and VCR.
- Remind children that the idea of camping is to get away from modern conveniences.
- Tell children to mind their own business as you pack the laptop and a dozen of their favorite videos.
- Close pop-up, hitch to overloaded van and head out in Friday rush hour traffic.
- Arrive at campsite and immediately embark on mission to find bathrooms with kids while Dad pops the camper.
- Explain that “dump site” is for RV’s, not for people.
- Pray out loud for the menacing black cloud to hold off until popping is complete.
- Seek shelter in laundromat while deluge passes.
- Return to campsite and find drenched husband cussing a dead battery and a manual crank.
- Explain to children what “hernia” means.
- Take children on scenic stroll with flashlights.
- Remember that you forgot the bug spray. And the cortisone cream.
- Return to campsite and joyfully enter popped camper at approximately 10 p.m.
- Explain to children that campfire food is woefully overrated and that even the pioneers ate peanut butter.
- Sink into bed to the sound of crickets and the aroma of fermented canvas.
- Sleep fitfully between nightmares of rabid bears and endless grit between the sheets.
- Rise with the sun or the pre-dawn departure of the jet engine RV next door.
- Spend two hours trying to remember how to flush the toilet and convert the kids’ bed to the kitchen table.
- Head to nature trail for outdoor adventure.
- Head back to pop-up to zip canvas walls due to impending downpour.
- Enjoy intense family togetherness and record rainfall within canvas cube while watching kids’ videos.
- Laugh hysterically because even 300 miles from home, perched on a damp mattress beneath thrashing pine trees, your family of four still ends up watching TV and asking “What’s for dinner?”
- Pack up a day early, head for home and sell “that of which we never speak its name” to a couple of diehard outdoorsmen who would sooner wipe with a pine cone than take a TV camping.
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